08/16/05 - Speak, Woman.

Speak, Woman.
By: DarkHat

This story may offend some girls, so if you’re stupid, stop reading right now. You won’t get it and will probably get pissed off.
This is a story about a girl.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Well, actually it was yesterday. I was sitting at the Indian Food Buffet with my friend, Eric. As we were discussing how to slip roofies in the drinks of females, he gets a phone call. I can’t understand what he’s talking about, but he’s clearly excited. He hangs up the phone and tells me.

Eric- "This girl, Jenny, wants to go out with you. She’s friends with my girlfriend."
Me- "Is she hot? And by hot I mean does she like to give head to guys on the first date?"
Eric- "I don’t know man, but you will have to win her over. She’s really shy and doesn’t talk a lot."

I am immediately turned off.

Me- "I’m not sure. I don’t want to go out of my way to not get my dick sucked. I can easily not get my dick sucked conveniently, by sitting at home."
Eric- "Trust me man, just go."

We end up finishing lunch, and the plan is to meet at this restaurant at 7pm. The plan is for me to meet all three of them there. Of coarse they are late, and I end up waiting until 7:30pm for them to show up. I finally see all three of them walking up. Right away I know this isn’t going to work out well. This girl is average, very average. It’s kind of like when you see a tree in a forest; they're everywhere, so it’s not a big deal. I introduce myself and we sit down. After we order our food, I figure I’ll try and strike up a conversation.

Me- "So, do you go to school?"
Jenny- "No."

(Wait for her to ask me a question…Doesn’t happen.)

Me- "Do you work?"
Jenny- "No."
Me- "That’s good."

(Wait for her to ask me a question…Doesn’t happen.)

Me- "What do you like to do?"
Jenny- "I dunno, fun stuff."

(Wait for her to ask me a question…Doesn’t happen.)

After a few questions I had a full assessment of her life, she could have just said this……

"Hello, I'm your mediocre looking date; I have no dreams, goals, or ambitions in life. I have no idea where I'm going and I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I'm young and I'll figure it out HAHA. Oh yah, if you weren't disappointed enough in my looks, I'm also too much of a moron to ask you one question in a 8 hour period, so just continue leading the entire conversation all night."

Right away I knew what kind of girl this was. I've actually been out with girls like this, but trust me, it won't happen again. Sometimes I think it's a joke. I'll stay quiet for a while to see if they really are too fucking stupid to say one interesting thing, or maybe even ask me one question. NEVER HAPPENS. At first I wondered why... My sarcasm? Devastating good looks? My ability to win at everything I do? Nope, none of the above, they are simply morons.

I make the decision that I will not talk to Jenny until she either says something cool, or blows me under the table. I have two other options; my best friend Eric and his girlfriend. Since I am not gay and have no morals, I decide to put all of my attention on my best friend’s girlfriend. I start joking around and make fun of my best friend. She likes my humor. My best friend is a good sport and knows it is nothing personal. I am just using others to make myself look better, no big deal.

We are done eating. Jenny has still not said one word. I decide I am going to try and leave.

Me- "Yah, I’m pretty tired. I think I’m going to leave."
Eric- "No man, we are going to go swimming, let’s go."

I figure, it couldn’t hurt, so I agree to go. If I knew then that going swimming really meant sitting at his girlfriend’s house while talking to her parents, I would have slit my wrists in the restaurant bathroom.

6 hours later- This Jenny girl still has not said one word, not even to her best friend. I am getting tired and wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. I could be at home jerking off in a dirty old sock. This idea is sounding better and better. I start getting really pissed that I wasted my whole night with this boring girl. We are all literally sitting at Eric’s girlfriend’s house totally bored. Obviously it is on me to do something mean or exciting. I remember we all had to take our shoes off before we wentup stairs. I finally have an idea.

Me- "I have to use the bathroom."
Eric’s Girlfriend- "Ok, it’s right downstairs."

I walk down stairs, grab one of Jenny’s shoes, and make my way to the bathroom. I figure this dumb cunt will have my cum on her one way or another. I don’t know how many people have actually jerked off in the shoe of someone they hated, but trust me, it’s hard. They have no porn in the bathroom, just a picture of a puppy and a family portrait. I choose to use my imagination. Finally, I finish and I am very proud of myself. I go put the shoe back and head upstairs. Everyone is coming downstairs, the night is over and we are all going home. It ends up being perfect timing, except we are all putting our shoes on when Jenny notices something.

Jenny- "What the fuck is this?"
Me- "Did you just talk?"

Jenny sticks her hand down and feels the white mess in her shoe.

Jenny- "I think your dog drooled in my shoe."
Eric’s girlfriend- "Let me see."

Eric’s girlfriend runs over, sticks her hand in the shoe, and pulls out her finger with my cum on it.

Eric’s girlfriend- "Eric, is this dog drool?"

Eric takes one look at it, looks at me, and pauses…

Eric- "Umm, it‘s definitely drool."

Everyone laughs as Jenny wipes down the inside of her shoe with a paper towel and we all leave together. It ended up being a good night since my cum ended up on two girls. I wonder if they will ever know the truth.

I got fucking tears in my eyes!

TEARS!!!

My favorite part:

This post has been edited by Iamjacksusername on Aug 16 2005, 07:15 PM

L-O-L

Damn that's kinky. So which do you prefer, high heels, open toe, sandals, flip flops..... just think of all the choices. I'll never be able to take my shoes of at the Tai restaurant down the street again without thinking of you, thanks a lot for that.

a little overboard, but ballsy none-the-less......hoefully she won't read this.....and what the hell were you doing at an Indian food buffet, im surprised you survived that.....

thats classic...you are one sick mofo.

I don't know why a girl would be offended by that story. I mean the only girl that should be offended by having cum on her should be Clarice from Silence of the Lambs. You know, the part in the beginning of the movie where the dude in the cell throws man juice on her. I would be pissed if I was her...

What did Miggs in the cell next door say to you?

He said... he said he could smell my #^$$*.

alot better than the last one

i call bullshit.. major bullshit

hilarious.
well done.

it kind of doesn't matter. it's a story, whether it's 100% true or not isn't really the point. take tucker max for example. i guarantee 50% of what he writes is exaggerated, but it's still hilarious.

or even exaggerated

you know i spelt it right at first, but it just looked funny.

now that is a great story....funny as hell....

Sooooooooooo, is this the "part 2 of the prostitute story" you spoke of DarkHat?

I hope she didn't have athlete's foot or something.

Then you'd need some BOOM!

Tough actin' Tinactin.

Here's a guy that knows how to make a crappy Madden joke!



BOOM!!

No, it will be coming soon. It will pick up exactly where it left off and will start off with the escort agency calling me as soon as I get home. "Sir, you owe us some money". I am actually still editing it because it is too long, but it will be done by this weekend.

This post has been edited by DarkHat on Aug 17 2005, 02:59 PM

Hey it wasn't that crappy.

I tied in fucking a shoe and John Madden in the same joke.

That's pretty complex....use your teleprompter on that Pat Summerall.

MS Paint is fun.

Created by Satan, but still fun.

you know, i ended up going out to dinner with a girl just like that. my GOD i wish i had that ending. mine was just getting drunk and making her drive me home.

True or not, bravo & hats off to a good story.

Deffinately the best part





Yah those dates suck